Does the title “pastor” mean I’m power-hungry?

I had a conversation once with a pastor and his wife that I have not seemed to be able to forget.  My husband and I had been visiting that church for a few months and considering the possibility of making it our spiritual home.  It was important to us, though, that the church valued women in leadership to the same extent that it valued men.  So we sat down with the two of them and asked many questions.

And this is what they told us:  They were a couple who did ministry together.  Women served in all ways in the denomination.  Women in the denomination could even serve in a pastoral capacity, but they would not have the title “Pastor”. “And,” said the woman, “I am awfully suspicious of women who are looking for titles anyway.  Any time a woman is trying to get the title, it makes me think she is hungry for power.  I am happy to serve alongside my husband in full capacity without the title.”

At that time, I was silenced by her statement.  I didn’t want to appear to be power-hungry.  I wanted to check myself, “Am I power-hungry, Lord?”  It seemed so much more humble to not seek a title.

However, much reflection brought me to the conclusion that I am not in fact power-hungry any more than any other man who takes on the same title.  Why is a woman declared power-hungry but a man given a complete pass?  I wish I could go back to that conversation and ask her that question.

It has been years since this conversation took place.  Through all the time that has transpired, I’ve grown into a deeper understanding about this title “Pastor”.  I’ve realized that I didn’t start being a pastor when the title was conferred to me by a church or that I will be even more so a pastor when I graduate seminary with my Masters of Divinity.  Whether I am in a church-paid position as a pastor or whether my friends and colleagues call me “Pastor MaryAnn” or not, I am still a pastor.  It is who I am.  And being a pastor is being a shepherd who walks alongside others.  It is not, to me, a position of power but of servanthood.

Entangled in emotions

I took my emotions out of the debate long ago.  This was a result of several conversations where I had mentioned that I felt very hurt when males in my life told me that I couldn’t teach simply because I was a woman.  Instead of kindness and gentleness in return, I received the retort, “Feeling hurt doesn’t make it any more biblical for a woman to teach!”  They discounted my feelings as if God hadn’t made emotions for a reason.  Truth was defined as reason without emotions.  Without a doubt, this line of thinking => the scientific method.  But does it fit the Bible method?  Without emotions, we are robots.  But if God really wanted us to reason without emotions, he would’ve created us devoid of them.

I thought that if I took my emotions out of the debate, then I could present evidence that was logical and acceptable.

But I am coming to terms with the reality that it hurts me to pretend to be an automaton, because I am subtracting something from myself that God purposely added.  The truth is, when it comes to this subject, I am all entangled in emotions.  The injustice makes me sad and angry, inspired to do something and yet discouraged that I’m not getting anywhere — but knowing doing something is better than nothing all at the same time.  Many people say they don’t care about this topic because it doesn’t directly affect them.  Men don’t hit this brick wall, so they can potentially live their whole lives without dealing with this issue.  The women who don’t feel gifted to teach or preach say they don’t feel it’s their battle.  And in truth, it really does seem an issue that is so far removed for most.  It’s hard to get people to care about something that doesn’t seem to impact their lives.

In reality, though, to not fight for the truth means that the whole church is missing out — no — dying from all the voices it is silencing.  For me to stop being angry or stop feeling sad and hurt or anguished over this issue means that I stop fighting passionately.  Fear that I will hurt or offend others means that I will water down the message as I try to make it more palatable to the masses.  But people don’t just sit politely and say child sex trade is bad, they stand up and get livid about it.  The injustice to women should cause the same response.  To do less would take the power out of the message.

Commissioned

In July, I was commissioned to be a pastor.  Thus, instead of being a “pastor’s wife”, I made my husband into a “pastor’s husband”!

When I felt called originally, I knew exactly what my gifts were, but I didn’t think that I could, as a woman, use my gifts to fulfill my calling to pastor as a pastor.  I thought I had to be a pastor’s wife in order to fulfill my destiny.  I’m grateful that God took me out of the shadow and brought me into the light.  I don’t have to stand in the shadow of a man — in Christ, I can stand on my own.  I feel blessed to be free.  I feel thankful and blessed and in awe of my Father, who adopted me and gave me the full rights and privileges of being his own.

The consequence of my commissioning is this:  affirmation.  I feel like I am truly equal.  There is equality.  God sees me as just as much made in his image as a man.  In a strange way, I feel validated and somewhat vindicated.

Thank you, God, for counting me worthy to be your servant. 

Championing Women

This past week, a friend rebuked me for saying that complementarians do not champion women.  He said that they might find it offensive since they really do feel like they are championing women.

He was right in one respect — they do think they are championing women.  But are they, in reality?

My perspective is that a woman who feels called to be a pastor because God has given her the gifts of teaching and shepherding will not feel championed at all.  Complementarians declaring that she can’t teach and pastor will make her feel ‘silenced’.  She will feel like a second class citizen.  The words may be spoken, “We’re not created unequal, we’re just different,”  but the message that is really heard is, “You’re not good enough for God to use you as a minister.”

My instinct was to apologize for giving offense, but then I realized that I don’t need to apologize.  I need to approach these conversations with humility, but I don’t need to be apologetic.  After all, what’s more offensive than a position that places women in an inferior status and restricts their freedom?

The truth is that women are good enough.  God can and does call them, and there is no reason to be apologetic.

Invalidity

Every day, I have the pleasure of teaching my child something new and of seeing her grasp that new skill or knowledge.  Today, particularly, I was reveling over the privilege I have as a parent to participate in my child’s growth.  My thoughts strayed to the reality that every day, dads and moms are teaching their daughters and their sons many things from the basics of walking and talking to deep biblical truths about God and redemption.  So when does a mom’s teaching become invalid for her son?

According to certain camps, women are never to teach men.  I have always puzzled over the departure from logic that is required in holding on to this literal, non-contextualized interpretation of a few verses of Scripture.  It doesn’t make sense when you break it down to specifics.  Some say that a woman can teach boys until they turn into men.  What is the designation of manhood — when they reach the Jewish age of manhood at 13 or the American definition of adulthood at 18?  And if  these persons have really  chosen one of these arbitrary age designations, I want to know what changes in a God’s ability to use a woman as a mouthpiece for his messages just because a boy has had his birthday?   Consider how absurd this is.

In a few interesting conversations I had with fellow believers who decided that I couldn’t teach or have authority over men, I asked them whether or not they felt like they had ever benefited from, been encouraged by, or inspired by something I had taught them in the past.  The answer was yes.    And yet, at that juncture, they decided that I should stop teaching men.    My heart just aches when I think of all the church has missed and all it would continue to miss out on if women remained silent.

When we look at specifics, it is very difficult to hold onto the belief that the Apostle Paul meant that women were to “remain silent” for all time.

The gospel

Biblical equality is not a “new gospel”.  It’s a new depth of the gospel (new for some but not new to God).  For it is for freedom that Christ set us free:

- free of our sins
free of the condemnation that comes from sins and free from the slavery to sin

- free from oppression
worldly way of seeing each other  (gender, race, class)

Can’t teach the gospel without it, because it is the gospel.

Stay-at-home-dads

I’ve known Jack for many years.  He is married to a woman named Geraldine, whom I have known since I was ten.  Jack is what people consider a man’s man.  He loves football, action movies, video games and would totally run in the opposite direction of a romantic comedy if it weren’t for his love for his wife.  And he’s a stay-at-home-dad.  The decision was made for them as Jack lost his job right before they were about to have their first child.  Geraldine has a stable, well-paying job, and it just made sense for her to continue working and for Jack’s work to be staying at home.  He cooks and cares for their child, and she goes to work — and it works for them.  Jack has told me that it’s hard for him, though, finding activities for them to do during the day.  He feels somewhat awkward about going to the park or gymboree, because he would face the inevitable stare (or glare!) from all the other women with their children.

Although the number of stay-at-home-dads is on the rise, it is still not common enough.  Men are expected to work, and when they don’t, they are criticized as lazy.  Eyebrows are raised, as people wonder, “what is wrong with that guy?”  While this trend has begun to change – with mom-focused parent’s magazines lauding men for choosing to stay at home – there is definitely still a double standard. When women choose to stay at home, she is praised for making that choice and honored for getting that privilege.  When men make that same choice, people wonder when he’s going to get his act together, ‘be a man’ and get a ‘real’ job.

This attitude prevails in the secular world as well as in the church.  One pastor – Mark Driscoll – even chastised men  who are stay-at-home-dads and identified it as “a case for church discipline.”  He uses 1 Timothy 5:8, “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”  He says that men who don’t work and bring home the bacon are worse than unbelievers.  I take issue with his misuse of this verse because I know that he is reading it only in English and not in Greek.  Whatever version of the Bible he was using probably says, “If any man…”  However, the Greek actually does not specify “a man” but is referring to “anyone.”  Paul is telling Timothy that anyone who doesn’t provide for their family, especially in regard to widows, and is thus burdening the larger church family, is not doing what God is calling them to do.  However, Paul’s exhortation is not only referring to financial provision.  He is communicating that believers ought to make sure that all their family’s needs are being met.  So I believe that a dad who dresses his children, changes their diapers, prepares and gives them food, reads to them, teaches them new things, bathes them, etc, is definitely providing for their needs.   In other words, stay-at-home-dads are pleasing God by investing in their family.

I love the idea of the stay-at-home-dad.  And I hope that dads who stay at home would not demean their children’s need for them.  They are not Mr. Mom — as if the role of parenting was only meant for moms.  Dads are dads, and dads are needed by their kids.  It’s a privilege for any parent to get to stay at home with their kids when they are young – a mom or a dad.  Cheers to all the SAHDs out there!  I admire and commend you for what you are doing!

A pastor or a pastor’s wife?

I used to half-jokingly say that I wanted to go to seminary to get an “MRS degree”.  That was because, beginning at the age of 18, I felt a strong certain conviction that the Lord wanted me to dedicate my life to serving him.  I had seen him use my shepherding gifts to encourage others along their spiritual journey, but the church culture around me told me that women didn’t become pastors.  But they could become pastor’s wives.   Sadly, that seemed like the only option I had to utilize my giftings.  I felt called into ministry but barred from being a minister.

Looking back, I wish I could tell my younger self that I didn’t have to feel like I had to put a cap on my gifts and stand behind a man.  Because the sad reality for me at that time was that I knew I couldn’t sign up to be a pastor’s wife as one would sign up for a class.  It wasn’t exactly something I could pursue no matter how much I felt like it was a calling for me to pastor.

This fall, I am starting seminary again — not in pursuit of an “MRS degree” but of an M.Div.  After taking a year break to focus on my calling as a mom, I am making my return to answer my other calling.  During my break from my studies, I had time to reassess.   What was my reason for going to seminary?   Should I continue?  I am a true academic, and I will always crave learning the depth and breadth of God and his Word whether I am in seminary or not.  I could be a pastor or missionary without a degree.   I searched my heart to see if I was trying to validate myself or prove something to the world by obtaining an M.Div.  I didn’t want defiance to be the root of my pursuit.  In my heart of hearts, I know that I don’t need a human-created degree to ‘prove’ my suitability to minister to others.  The Holy Spirit doesn’t pass us up if we don’t have seminary degrees.

But the answer always came back to me that despite the reality that I don’t need a degree for myself or for God in order to validate his calling on my life, I need it in order to fulfill his calling in my life.  My pastor worded it perfectly when he wrote me to encourage me.  (He wrote this not knowing that I was even considering not completing my degree.)  “I’m really glad you’re pursuing the degree.  Unfortunately,  I think it is more important for women to be credentialed than men.   The degree is going to help you live in your God-given authority and gifting.”  Yes, unfortunately, it is true that if people are opposed to listening to a woman, they are even less likely to listen to a woman who has no degree.  And the more I searched my heart, the more I realized that it was as much a calling for me to finish my degree as it was for me to use my degree to serve God.  How I do pray that the M.Div. would really allow me live out his purposes in my life.

I’m writing this tonight, hoping that by chance these words could be read by someone in the same shoes I was in when I was 18.  Don’t believe the lie that you are a second class citizen.  If you feel called to be a pastor, don’t think you have to settle for being a pastor’s wife, the title of “Director” or simply being a layperson.  Pursue the gifts he’s given you.  Get a degree.  Do any less and you would not get to experience the freedom and joy of living out the destiny that he has for you.

Raising Egalitarians, Part 3 (Stereotypes)

“Boy or girl?”  This question was frequently posed to me during my pregnancy.  My answer?  “Don’t know.”  My husband and I wanted to be surprised — but to our big surprise, not many wanted to go along with it.  The general eagerness to find out our baby’s gender made me realize  the tendency of society as a whole to separate the world into pink vs. blue.

With this awareness, I came to the conclusion that I didn’t want to fall in line with the general consensus for stereotypes.  I wanted to give a boy or a girl the same kinds of opportunities.  So if we were to have a boy, then I’d want him to play with stuffed animals and cookware, have the occasional tea party, and explore music and arts and crafts.  I’d encourage him to cry when he needed to and not always tell him to “be tough” if that wasn’t what he needed at that time.  In the same way, if we were to have a girl, I’d encourage her to “be tough” sometimes when other parents would otherwise coddle their baby girl.  And I’d want her to play with cars, balls, have a toy tool set, and engage in building and fixing activities.  I’d encourage both to climb, run and be active.  There would be no general difference in treatment.

That was the plan, but what I didn’t anticipate was how difficult it would actually be to carry it out.  Once we had our little baby in our arms, we quickly found ourselves struggling to escape stereotypes.  Baby wardrobe and toys force you into stereotypes.  Everything pink is marketed for girls.  Everything blue is marketed for boys.  We have had to make conscious decisions to actively apply our conviction of providing a wide range of opportunities for our baby.  Negligence would lead our children to a destination that we had not intended.

Currently, our baby’s toy box has balls, cars, stuffed animals, books, and a dollie.  I’m proud to observe my little one snuggling affectionately with stuffed animals one minute and examining the wheels of a Thomas train the next.

This, of course, is only one tiny victory.  Vigilance needs to continue as children grow older, and gender lines are drawn.  It gets more complex when we’re no longer talking about a toy box alone.  Ideas about the world are formed every minute — especially during play.  It’s up to parents to suggest other possibilities than the ones that are assumed.  For example, if children are ‘playing house’, parents can remind them that both parents can ‘go to work’, or have situations where it’s the dad who stays home with the kids at times and then the mom at other times.  It’s also good to challenge their generalizations.  Comments like, “That’s only for girls” or “That’s only for boys” seem innocent enough.  However, when ignored, they could unknowingly lead to re-enforcement of stereotypes (and therefore limitations) — but if they are corrected, the child could be brought one step closer to the truth.   And the truth is that gender roles and responsibilities are not prescriptive.   (For example, there are no biblical mandates saying boys must grow up to be men who like to fight, go on adventures and live dangerously.  Some men might like these things but not all men, and the Bible does not prescribe that it must be so.)

So how to raise egalitarians?  I’m still pondering this question daily.  I keep asking myself the question, “how do I exemplify God’s vision for family to my family?” and hope that I’m meeting the mark more often than not.  I’d be interested to hear your experience with raising egalitarians.

Raising Egalitarians, part 2 (Rage)

It wasn’t long after my husband and I began our first adventure in parenting that I was confronted with an ugliness in myself that I hadn’t seen in about a decade.  Rage.

Our parental journey began when we had decided to become foster parents, in hopes of providing a loving home for children in unideal situations (due to drugs or violence), but suddenly I had to wonder if they were better off in my care.  I would yell and scream and berate my child for a slight disobedience (which would be better described as noncompliance).  My anger seemed to spin out of my control, and I was completely stunned by it.

Where did this anger come from?  I thought I had effectually submitted my anger to Christ during the first few years of my walk with him.  Why was I so angry?

Honest reflection revealed that I lost control because I had lost control.  I wanted my child to keep in step with my desires, and when she wouldn’t, I felt her misbehavior like a defiant slap in the face.  I wanted to have control and maintain control, but I felt like I was losing my control over her.  However, this reaction was completely irrational.  Our foster child was only a baby!  It was obvious to me that I had some issues that needed to be nailed to the cross, and she was a victim of my unsanctified spirit.

I had missed the mark in meeting my goal.  I was not loving her the way the Father would want me to love her; I was cultivating fear in her rather than love.  As a result, I was not valuing her with the dignity she deserved as an image of the Creator.  How could I teach her equality when I didn’t treat her with respect?

Driven to my knees, I surrendered my desire for control.  And my anger.  And my unforgiveness toward the one who had tried to control me as a child.  The unforgiveness actually turned out to be the key issue that bound me to my rage.  Forgiveness prompted a transformation in me.  I felt myself become unraveled and become whole all at the same time.  By the time we had relinquished our foster baby and welcomed the arrival of our biological baby, rage became a distant memory once again.

And I am so thankful, because there is no greater desire I have than for my children to know unmistakably how highly valued they are by us and by the King of kings.  And rage, tyranny and oppression will never communicate that.